So many of these nights wear on my exhausted body... but my mind never tires. Thoughts penetrate my heart like relentless spears. It seems they do battle, my mind and my heart... one seeking truth and reality, the other seeking faith, love, and hope. The mind looks on the heart like a naive, unblemished child... oh, how it wishes things could be the way the heart hopes they could be... but self-preservation keeps it from believing they could ever be. The heart pities the mind, so broken by hurt that what the heart believes in so strongly, to the mind seems like only a dream. This cycle continues, endlessly, inside me... my heart hoping for the way things could be if only my mind could just let go... and let be... but, fear binds in sturdy chains and neither the heart nor the mind can break them alone. Reality's bite appears hard, bearing sharp teeth, when viewed through lenses of anxiety.
...I was told, once, that apprehension is a gift... trust it, it will keep you from harm... but I've come to hate the way fear imprisons us all. The lies we keep and the secret lives we lead are all spawned by it... the things we never tried and always wish we had... the way we feel like there's just no use, in getting up or trying just once more... all results of the mind being separated from good and right by the chains of dread. ...I've said a million times that I will not let fear rule my life, but somehow I've yet to overcome it. I think my mind's waiting to be proven wrong, and my heart's praying for that day... When something or... someone proves my mind's pessimism to be false. When, by all rights, they should be gone but they stay. When there are no secret lives to hide the truth. When there is no fear of following the heart and the beauty it seeks.
Maybe tomorrow when I read this, I'll think I'm crazy... Maybe you think I am right now... but the end I seek? Is in conquering this disease, this cancer... Peace is found on the opposite shore, we're all in boats-someone ultimately important to me once said-the oars we use are ours to choose (choice)... I'd like to say: "Well, my mind's left my past defined by poor choices, so I think I'll jump ship and swim..." but I'm going to do something I've never done...
I'm going to leave my closing for another day, after a lot of thought. Fear aside.
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