Waking Up

In the last few weeks I've done a lot of thinking about the way I've lived my life and the ways I've tried to change myself... and about all the reasons why I've failed. I never saw myself as a "control freak" because I'm not what is generally perceived as such... in reality, however, I've been walking blind to myself for years because a control freak is EXACTLY what I have been. I've lied, I've schemed, I've manipulated, and I've taken things I can never give back... all in the name of making my hopes, my dreams, my PLANS a reality. People I've called my friends, were really only stepping stones. People I've told I love... were merely used for personal satisfaction. I've wasted the first 21 years of my life trying to control everything around me... My entire personality has been shaped by it. Ask everyone who's ever met me who I am and only one or two will get it right. I've walked around with a persona that I despise for so long I only see my true self in glimpses. I miss that man, I hate that an act I put on, to be what I thought I needed to be to get where and what I wanted, has so blurred reality that I no longer know what it is.

The truth is, I don't know who I am. I know that I'm not the me that I miss and I'm not the persona I've put on for so many years... but I don't quite know much more other than the fact that the two people that have known me best over the years have both walked away from me... and I don't blame them at all. You can't expect people to endure mistreatment forever...

Losses are lessons to be learned. So long as you're open and making an effort, you're not finished... you're still in the game. Control? Control is an illusion. I still may not know what happened to me and I may be very confused about who I am... but I'm starting to figure things out. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions, I just want to be a man who learns from them.