Pillarist 2010 LP Lyrics

All our prayers were never answered cause all our dreams were just our cancer. The wasted hopes and the wasted ambition, gone with all of the best intentions. Ive got more problems than solutions, feel like I'm lost in the disillusion. Drowning in all my apathy in a world that made a cynic out of me. This ain't the way it's supposed to be. A mind already defeated at 20. This ain't the way I pictured me. Afraid of the life set before me. I wear this chip on my shoulder like a crown, left with nothing but bitterness for all the letdowns. I guess I'm tired of dreaming in color only to wake in black and white.

Somehow I always end up surrounded by the things that always seem to break my mind. All the things I could have; should have said, all the nights I left myself for dead are all I have to make my bed. Sometimes it's not as easy as just letting go, the past isn't what we had and miss but the things we did and can't forget... but I stood by and let a good man die.

Have you ever felt like waking is just to a nightmare of your own making. Seeking clarity only feeling desperate when you ask yourself where everyone went. Everyone you tried to love walked away and it's all because you live this way. Losing so much in semantics because you're so frantic to just show all the lessons you hope they'll never have to fucking learn. A hope you'll never be this, never have to see this way, never have to live this way. A man that the sun forgot to shine on finding out he was only running from the dawn.

Goodbye to the voices that you heard time has released me from their chains and left me with what I've learned... but I see myself in every single one of you. No one is worth anything but the marks they leave on you... and no one can take from me the pride that gave me reason to believe that there are things beyond what I see that are the things I want for me... but myself, I don't want to wake a bitter man, unrecognized under all the scars. This young man's not ready yet, I'm not ready yet.

Pride means nothing when you stoop so low to protect it, what is it worth when you sacrifice your integrity to keep what you do not have? All the shit you spoonfeed and all the lies along the way are just as useless as the apologies you waste. I'm sick of this being just another stupid fucking trend but I wouldn't write these words if I wanted it to end. I want your eyes to open and your hearts to bleed. I want this one to be different but you won't hear me. I don't give a fuck! I won't be another black sheep painting myself white.

I've spent the last year standing alone in stinging rain, drowning away all blame and the failures that brought me shame. Broken so long that I just learned to wear it well, broken so long I found comfort living in my own hell. Too sick and tired to try to move on, too sick of looking for answers with nothing to go on. When my reflection holds reality that the only one to blame is me and all the times I have fucking burned was just the way I chose to learn. I find nothing. I am nothing.

Don't ask me questions that you don't want answered, I'm the prodigal son that can't be cured of this cancer. Nights in the places that you used to call home doing all the things you said you wished you'd never done. I find myself all the things I prayed I'd never be, just like the man I could never make proud of me. I feel like I've got no future to find, just to be you in another time, just another in a long line to never pay his son any mind. Will I ever rid my head of this voice? The cynical reminder that I'll fail no matter the choice. I never had a chance, did I? Brought up only to lose by a man who's been defeated. I left myself in pieces all over this godforsaken town. I left my blood, sweat, and tears all over the ground. I've lived my life for nothing! All of the mistakes you've made are all the things in me I hate!

Seasons

I've spent a lot of time, in the past few months, recollecting the past and trying to understand it more clearly so that I may find wisdom through the lessons that are to be learned through the mistakes of our youth. I've done my best to see every angle of every situation and forced myself to be open to the fact that I am far from perfect... and I've seen myself in new lights, most of them very dim. I've tried to understand why I lost the friends I did and the actions that brought about their departure... and I've done my best to forgive. It seems this world we live in isn't the only thing that moves in seasons but, the little social worlds we create for ourselves as well. I've spent the past couple of years as a part a music "scene" in my area that has taken me top the highest of highs and lowest of lows and, in some instances, made me regret allowing them that much of a part of my happiness. I look through old photos and see pictures of my arm around people that used to be closest of friends, that no longer acknowledge me, even in passing. People I used to spend days on end with, I couldn't be alone with in a room without an awkward air. Some people say I hold too strongly to the past, maybe so, but I don't wish for its return. I suppose I just wonder why so many people would rather trade brotherhood for bitterness, or if I just fooled myself into thinking this was anything more than basic camaraderie.

I've never been partial to cold weather, but I've always felt as though winters existed to teach me to appreciate the spring. The last year and half or more have been a winter for me, it took me this long to understand that spring will come again and I won't be so naive as to waste this one indoors.

Have you ever felt like waking is just to a nightmare of your making? Seeking clarity, only feeling desperate when you ask yourself where everyone went. Everyone you tried to love went the other way and, it's all because you live this way. Losing so much in semantics and, it's all because you're so fucking frantic to just show all the lessons you hope they'll never have to learn through all the pain that you know you earned.

A hope they'll never have to see the things you've seen; never be the way you've been: A man the the sun forgot to shine on, finding out it was only because he running from the dawn.

Waking Up

In the last few weeks I've done a lot of thinking about the way I've lived my life and the ways I've tried to change myself... and about all the reasons why I've failed. I never saw myself as a "control freak" because I'm not what is generally perceived as such... in reality, however, I've been walking blind to myself for years because a control freak is EXACTLY what I have been. I've lied, I've schemed, I've manipulated, and I've taken things I can never give back... all in the name of making my hopes, my dreams, my PLANS a reality. People I've called my friends, were really only stepping stones. People I've told I love... were merely used for personal satisfaction. I've wasted the first 21 years of my life trying to control everything around me... My entire personality has been shaped by it. Ask everyone who's ever met me who I am and only one or two will get it right. I've walked around with a persona that I despise for so long I only see my true self in glimpses. I miss that man, I hate that an act I put on, to be what I thought I needed to be to get where and what I wanted, has so blurred reality that I no longer know what it is.

The truth is, I don't know who I am. I know that I'm not the me that I miss and I'm not the persona I've put on for so many years... but I don't quite know much more other than the fact that the two people that have known me best over the years have both walked away from me... and I don't blame them at all. You can't expect people to endure mistreatment forever...

Losses are lessons to be learned. So long as you're open and making an effort, you're not finished... you're still in the game. Control? Control is an illusion. I still may not know what happened to me and I may be very confused about who I am... but I'm starting to figure things out. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions, I just want to be a man who learns from them.

Catoptrophobia

Somehow I always find myself surrounded by wrinkled paper. I wish I could write words of inspiration... but somehow all these pages end up filled with ramblings of the past. All the things I could have, should have, said; all the nights I left myself for dead are all that I'm left with to make my bed! Sometimes it's not as easy as just letting go, the past isn't what we used to have and miss... but the things we did and can't forget. I've faced them all but they all faced me back and I've done my best to make amends but I've yet to find my own forgiveness. I know I've got my friends- I know I'm not alone... but I find little comfort in what I know does not belong... What I miss is the me that I used to be, but I stood by and watched that good man die!

The Early Morning Mind

So many of these nights wear on my exhausted body... but my mind never tires. Thoughts penetrate my heart like relentless spears. It seems they do battle, my mind and my heart... one seeking truth and reality, the other seeking faith, love, and hope. The mind looks on the heart like a naive, unblemished child... oh, how it wishes things could be the way the heart hopes they could be... but self-preservation keeps it from believing they could ever be. The heart pities the mind, so broken by hurt that what the heart believes in so strongly, to the mind seems like only a dream. This cycle continues, endlessly, inside me... my heart hoping for the way things could be if only my mind could just let go... and let be... but, fear binds in sturdy chains and neither the heart nor the mind can break them alone. Reality's bite appears hard, bearing sharp teeth, when viewed through lenses of anxiety.
...I was told, once, that apprehension is a gift... trust it, it will keep you from harm... but I've come to hate the way fear imprisons us all. The lies we keep and the secret lives we lead are all spawned by it... the things we never tried and always wish we had... the way we feel like there's just no use, in getting up or trying just once more... all results of the mind being separated from good and right by the chains of dread. ...I've said a million times that I will not let fear rule my life, but somehow I've yet to overcome it. I think my mind's waiting to be proven wrong, and my heart's praying for that day... When something or... someone proves my mind's pessimism to be false. When, by all rights, they should be gone but they stay. When there are no secret lives to hide the truth. When there is no fear of following the heart and the beauty it seeks.

Maybe tomorrow when I read this, I'll think I'm crazy... Maybe you think I am right now... but the end I seek? Is in conquering this disease, this cancer... Peace is found on the opposite shore, we're all in boats-someone ultimately important to me once said-the oars we use are ours to choose (choice)... I'd like to say: "Well, my mind's left my past defined by poor choices, so I think I'll jump ship and swim..." but I'm going to do something I've never done...

I'm going to leave my closing for another day, after a lot of thought. Fear aside.

Memories on Napkins and Newspapers

I prefer to deal with things privately, despite the appearance of my personality, few people really know me and I prefer to keep it that way. So I write what's on my mind, venting it on what I find and then throwing it away. I stumbled across dated pieces of newspaper and napkin and turned these up:

November 9, 2007

I have found myself in an unfortunate state of perpetual solitude and to it I have no solution. I separate myself from reality in order to continue on with my life... but reality isn't something we can escape and it tracks me tirelessly. For this I no longer know honesty, none but my long time friends know who I am... and that is only a memory. I'm an actor, a fake, and none can be close to me because I am gone. To love me is to love a character in a tragedy.

November 21, 2007

It won't let me go, this misery, this self-loathe, this blame. It's a pit that I cannot escape, no matter how close I get to the edge, I am always dragged back in. I fear this is a punishment to which I have been given a life sentence. I fear I will never lose these demons that haunt my dreams, that corrupt my mind. I no longer know the man I see in the mirror. I no longer feel. I am only an observer now.

...I don't even remember writing them.